Email: DearKat@Bumpshack.com or ask her a question anonymously on the Bumpshack Message Board.

Dear Kat: In my work of late, at some of the shelters for Katrina refugees, I have been in very uneasy (for me) situations with small children who (understandably) now fear, wind, rain, water. How best does the untrained - like me - deal best with these kids. Would be best to say, just leave that for a professional, but that is just not practical.

Shannon

Dear Shannon,
I completely understand...you want to normalize their feelings...what they went through was scary. It may sound strange but having them tell you the story over and over again will help them. Drawing if they don't feel like talking about it yet...I would tell them "this may get annoying and repetitive, but I am going to ask you to tell me your story quite a few times..." Let them tell you once, uninterrupted...the next time, make notes of key "bullet points" and ask them to give a fear rating of 1-10 on each bullet point. (you can ask them to clarify certain points)... You may be surprised (baby sister crying or mom screaming can have a higher fear rating than seeing a dead body or the roof getting torn off etc). In general, the more times they tell the story, the numbers on each bullet point should go down a bit. You may not get to see them more than once...but this is an extremely helpful exercise...I hope that helps...you are doing a great thing by just being there and caring.

When more of the immediate crisis has passed...you need to break down the elements that they find scary : i.e. wind/ rain...have them recall events before Katrina where they remembered wind or rain, or another storm, where nothing bad happened...or even good memories associated with nature's elements...every time the wind blows, it doesn't mean that there will be another Katrina....you probably get the idea....its a bit hard to answer these types of things in a post. But if you only have 20 minutes, I would go with the first exercise.

Kat

Dear Kat: My woman and I have been seeing each other for 3 years. She talks frequently about pleasuring herself and how good it feels. We have just kissed and simulated things with our clothes on. Is she telling me about pleasuring herself in hopes that I will get brave and make more of a move on her or is she saying she really doesn't need me?

James Jesse

Dear James,
Three years? I am sure you have reasons why you haven't done more than kiss or "simulate with your clothes on". So lets talk about that first. Are you planning as a couple to wait until marriage, or are there other issues? If that is the case (waiting), she may just be letting you know that she is indeed, sexual and doesn't want you to worry. On the "brave" part of the question...if you guys have been together for three years, you need to be able to have a conversation about intimacy and what both of your needs are. Definitely need more information for any further advice

Kat

Dear Kat: I was with a girl for 4 years and we broke up, but ever since she left me I can't seem to trust another girl.  I try to love but I just cant.

Tired of Trying

Dear Tired of Trying:
They say that it takes about half the time that you were with them to get over the relationship-so that means about 2 years! However, this does not mean that you will not have fun, meet new people, or fall in love again.  You didn't say how long it has been since you broke up, but it will indeed get better with time.

You invested a lot into the relationship if you were with her for that long- there is a lot of room for regret, and if she was at all a good, kind or nice person...its easy to romanticize the relationship, regardless of who ended it...or even believe that that was as good as it will ever get.

Try not to focus on "finding" new love or something to replace what you had. It takes a while to move on, and to see the relationship for what it was.  Usually its two good people, that didn't work out as a couple.  There is someone out there better suited to you.  You just aren't there yet.  You can't "try" it into being.  It will happen naturally when the time is right.

All the best to you,

Kat

Dear Kat:
Why is it that sometimes when its cloudy the days seem to be sadder than when its sunny?

Vic

Dear Vic:
There is truth to that!  The quick answer to that is : Sunshine sends happy signals to your brain, and people who live in areas without much sun have higher rates of depression and
suicide.

Kat

Dear Kat: 
My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for about six months, and I totally want to hook up with his best friend.  His friend has been calling me a lot lately, and we go out with the gang as "friends" only, but I'm pretty sure he has the hots for me too.  Is there a guy code for dating your buddy's ex-girlfriend that's keeping him from making a move? Is there a time limit on how long I should go before I stop waiting for him to do something and I just go for it? Or is he off limits forever?

The Buddy Jumper

Dear Jumper:
The correct answer is actually in the last three words of your question. Human nature seems to be prompted to act on things out of reach and even delights in the guilty hooking up and drama that comes with it.  I will caution you strongly. Sounds like you are having a hard time letting the Ex go, and his life along with it. It never turns out pretty for the girl...she ends up being the "evil one" that got in the way of a friendship. Likely he finds you sexually attractive (and honestly that's not saying much - it means just that....men fantasize about attractive women all day long..at the grocery store, in the elevator, etc...and he has much easier access to you). The only way out of this one is if the two of you are actually in love with each other and are thinking "altar potential." Nothing less than this will do. Plus, you can't have acted on anything yet. this would be up to Mr. Potential to talk to the Ex and ask for his blessing. I see a road full of potholes either way. My suggestion is to find the high road and leave that part of your life where it belongs (in the past).

Good Luck- Kat

Dear Kat: 
Conner and I have been casually dating for four months.  He has been to my place a few times, however he has never invited me to his. Should I find this alarming?

Alarming

Dear Alarming:
Well I don't know about alarming but I probably wouldn't stake too much hope in this relationship.  A few thoughts come to mind.  1.) Maybe he's married, or lives with his girlfriend (or maybe the former recently moved out)  2.) He doesn't want you too closely attached for whatever reason, and after four months that is not a good sign.  I wouldn't put an ultimatum on the situation just yet though.....just see other people and look for someone who is interested in sharing as much of themselves as you are willing to.  At least that's a great place to start.

Good Luck- Kat

Dear Kat: 
I went out with Mateo three times last year.  With me living in Texas , and he in Germany, we settled on casually keeping in touch.  I briefly mentioned to him via text message that I would be in Prague with friends in Czech Republic (which is about three hours away from where he lives in Germany) but without details.  Our last night on vacation, I drunkenly bellied back up to the bar from the powder room, and was surprised to see my girlfriend whom I was traveling with, talking to Mateo! Should I consider his antics romantic or psychotic?

What the Czechie

Dear Czechie:
My first reaction? Slightly psychotic.  But that also depends on how he is viewing the relationship.  I gather that you weren't all that interested in seeing him or making plans being that you didn't give him any "details" on your vacation.  How he tracked you down is a bit unsettling but I am betting that he views this as a great romantic gesture and is doing his best to win your over.  He's a perfect example of the lengths some guys will go to win you over when they really, really like you (vs. the ones we have to make excuses for why they don't call because they are busy/ tired/ important etc).  Its time to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, with no room for misinterpretation so he can channel his romantic charms in a new direction, and if he persists, I'd treat him as a stalker and perhaps call the police.

Good Luck- Kat

Dear Kat is a licensed Psychotherapist with an MSW and LCSW license.  You can ask her a question and have it answered here in the Kitty Corner. Al names are made fictional and only Dear Kat even knows who the emails come from and in accordance of the rules of her profession those must be kept confidential as well.  Email her with your love dilemma, drama, hurt, or problem and see what she has to say about it. You cant beat free therapy.  Email her at DearKat@bumpshack.com